WASHINGTON INMATE IN SEGRATATION FOR TRYING TO COOK SAUSAGE IN STAINLESS STEEL TOILET

CLALLAM BAY, Wash. - An attempt by an inmate at a Washington state prison to heat up sausages in his stainless steel toilet went up in smoke when the cooking fire forced the evacuation of dozens of other convicts. Clallam Bay Corrections Center spokeswoman Denise Larson says 130 inmates were evacuated to a dining hall when smoke was spotted coming from a sewer vent pipe Wednesday evening. She says the smoke was traced to the inmate's cell and he admitted to trying to heat up snack sausages bought from a prison store in the toilet.

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The toilet chef has been placed in segregation pending discipline at the prison on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. His name was not disclosed.

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BRAZILIAN WAX BAN - New Jersey pulls back on proposed BAN OF BRAZILIAN WAXING

It looks like bikini season will come to New Jersey after all. Perhaps realizing how silly they looked, Garden State officials on Friday scrapped plans for a BAN ON BRAZILIAN WAXING.

The BAN ON BRAZILIAN WAXING was being considered by the state's Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling because two women had been hospitalized in the last year for infections following a bare-it-all Brazilian-style treatment. But in a letter to the board on Friday, New Jersey Consumer Affairs Director David Szuchman wrote: "I cannot agree to the complete prohibition ... banning removal of hair in the genital area."

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For the uninitiated, a Brazilian-style bikini wax involves the full removal of hair from what can euphemistically be called the "bikini region." Jeannette Abou-Mourad, owner of Sisters Skin Care and Waxing on Michigan Avenue, explained that despite its South American name the practice began thousands of years ago in the Middle East, a tradition considered routine and hygienic.

"It's pure cleanliness," she said. "It began in the Middle East, then traveled to Brazil and around other parts of the world before it wound up in America." Salon owners in New Jersey cried out when they heard about the potential ban, fearing the economic impact it might have with bikini season on the horizon.

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Szuchman, in his letter to the cosmetology board, wrote that he believes there are "alternate means to address any public health issues" and he encouraged the board to begin a review of the training needed to safely provide Brazilian bikini waxes.

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The short and curly on the BRAZILIAN WAX BAN

GERMAN MAN FINED FOR SMS TEXT MESSAGE - "YOU JUST KILLED A TURK"

A court in Germany fined a man 1,800 euros ($2,300) for inadvertently passing on an SMS text message which told the recipient they had just killed a Turk by opening it, his lawyer said Friday.

Shortly before Germany defeated Turkey in last year's Euro 2008 soccer tournament, the 28-year-old sent a TEXT MESSAGE that in German read "by opening this SMS, you have killed a Turk."

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The recipient was also urged to forward the SMS to encourage a "clean" tournament, landing the man in court charged with inciting racial hatred, his lawyer Karl Laible said Friday. About 3 percent of Germany's population are of Turkish origin.

However, the court in the southern town of Lindau dropped the charge -- which could have led to a prison sentence -- in exchange for the fine due to uncertainty about the accusation and the man's motive.

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The man had been forwarded the SMS MESSAGE and accidentally sent it to the name at the top of his phone's address book last June, Laible said, adding that he had done so only once.

"The only reason the SMS MESSAGE became known about was because the home of the man he sent it to was searched by police. His mobile was confiscated and that's when the SMS MESSAGE was found."

"It's a farcical story really: my client is a conscientious objector and his brother-in-law is a Turk," Laible said.

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The cat was taken to the Capital Humane Society, where she appeared to be in good condition Monday, executive director Bob Downey said.

"What the human mind doesn't invent, huh?" Downey said.

Deputies discovered the cat trapped in the device after responding to a domestic disturbance call at a residence the suspect shares with his grandfather, Sgt. Andy Stebbing said.

Deputies resolved the dispute and left the house, but they returned minutes later after discovering there was an arrest warrant on the suspect for possession of drug paraphernalia.

Upon re-entering the house, Stebbing said, deputies saw the suspect smoking marijuana through a piece of garden hose attached to the duct-taped, plastic glass box, in which the cat had been stuffed.

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"This cat was just dazed," Stebbing said. "She was on the front seat of the cop car, wrapped in a blanket, and never moved all the way to the humane society." The suspect was cited for misdemeanor animal cruelty and taken to the Lancaster County Jail on the arrest warrant. He was released after paying a $400 fine. Now he faces new charges for possession of MARIJUANA and paraphernalia stemming from Sunday.

Stebbing said the animal cruelty charge could be raised to a felony if the cat dies or is found to have suffered injury. Downey said tests would be done to determine whether the cat suffered lung damage. "To the eye, the cat looks OK," he said. "It cowers in the back of its cage like it's a little bit afraid but, obviously, given the way it's been treated, that's not surprising to me at all."

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It looks like MICHAEL JACKSON is having some financial troubles again as the overspending fruitcake is now auctioning off alot of his Neverland freek show. Some things include a picture of MICHAEL JACKSON as a king. In fact, the auction is being advertised as the auction of THE KING OF POP.

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A particularly strange item on the block at the MICHAEL JACKSON AUCTION is his golf cart... What's so weird about a golf cart you may ask.. You mean aside from the Peter Pan image painted on it and all the little boys Michael drove around the park with in it.

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The flavor is not yet known, but the RSS said the liquid produced by Hinduism's revered holy cows is being mixed with products such as aloe vera and gooseberry to fight diseases such as diabetes and cancer. Many Hindus consider cow urine to have medicinal properties and it is often drunk in religious festivals.

The organization, which aims to transform India's secular society and establish the supremacy of a Hindu majority, said it had not decided on a name or a price for the drink. "Cow urine offers a cure for around 70 to 80 incurable diseases like diabetes. All are curable by cow urine," Om Prakash, the head of the RSS Cow Protection Department, told Reuters by phone. Prakash, who is based in Hardwar, one of four holy Hindu cities on the river Ganges where the world's largest religious gathering takes place, said the product will be sold nationwide but did not rule out international success. "It is useful for the whole country and the world as well. It will be done through shops and through corporates," he said.

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The Hindu group has campaigned against foreign imports such as Pepsi and Coca Cola in the past, which it sees as a corrupting influence and a tool of Western imperialism. The RSS was temporarily banned after a Hindu mob tore down a mosque in 1992 which lead to bloody religious riots. The Shiv Sena, a hardline Hindu political party also known for attacking what it sees as threats to Indian culture such as Valentine's Day, started a similar initiative last year to appeal to its powerbase in Mumbai. To promote the food of the native Marathi culture, the Shiv Sena said it was "making a chain like McDonalds" to sell a popular local fried snack.

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Thomas had previously pulled a stunt like taking out his eye before. In 2004, before he was to stand trial, Thomas took out his right eye as well. There was no word on if he ate that eye as well.

However, a judge ruled that Thomas was mentally fit to stand trial. Thomas was on trial in the first place for an even more crazier and sadistic act.

In March 2004, Thomas was arrested for stabbing his ex-wife Laura Christine Boren, their four-year-old son Andre Lee, and her 13-month-old daughter Leyha Marie Hughes.

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After committing the acts, Thomas went to a police department and told cops how he had killed the three people, cut out their hearts and threw them out in a plastic bag. Police later found the victims with gaping holes in their chests.

From the start, Thomas' attorneys had argued that he was mentally incompetent, but he was still sentenced to death. However, with Thomas now making himself blind, it may be harder to uphold the death sentence.

If Thomas is officially labeled as mentally ill, it will add to the efforts to get his death sentence overturned. Groups like Murder Victims Families For Human Rights, and the National Alliance on Mental Illness, have long argued against using the death penalty on the mentally ill. But the state of Texas have executed the likes of Thomas before, despite these groups' efforts.

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The groups have a report on the issue planned for June, with Thomas perhaps now a prime candidate to be mentioned in it.

Thomas was transferred to a prison psychiatric facility southwest of Houston. He still has no set date for his execution.

KIDNEY involved in DIVORCE

When his wife needed a kidney transplant, Dr Richard Batista gave her one of his, attorney Dominic Barbara said.

Now that Dawnell Batista has filed for a divorce, Richard Batista wants his kidney back as part of his settlement demand. Or, Barbara said today, his client wants the value of that kidney: An estimated $1.5m (£993,000).

The case is being heard in Supreme Court in Mineola, New York.

Barbara said his client, a 49-year-old doctor from Ronkonkoma who graduated from Cornell University Medical School in 1995, married Dawnell Batista on August 31 1990. The couple had three children, now ages 14, 11 and 8.

After she had two failed transplants, Barbara said, his client donated a kidney to his wife in an operation that took place at the University of Minnesota Medical Centre on June 18 2001. Richard Batista said his marriage at the time was on the rocks because of the strain of his wife's medical issues.

"My first priority was to save her life," Batista said at a news conference in Garden City. "The second bonus was to turn the marriage around."

Dawnell Batista, 44, of Massapequa, filed for divorce in July 2005, Barbara said.

Neither she nor her attorney, Douglas Rothkopf, of Garden City, could immediately be reached for comment. A receptionist at Rothkopf's office said he was in court.

Medical ethicists agreed that the case is a non-starter. Asked how likely it would be for the doctor to either get his kidney back or get money for it, Arthur Caplan at the University of Pennsylvania's Centre for Bioethics, put it as "somewhere between impossible and completely impossible".

First and foremost, said Robert Veatch, a medical ethicist at Georgetown University's Kennedy Institute of Ethics, "it's illegal for an organ to be exchanged for anything of value". Organs in the US may not be bought or sold. Donating an organ is a gift and legally "when you give something, you can't get it back", he said.

"It's her kidney now and ... taking the kidney out would mean she would have to go on dialysis or it would kill her," Veatch said.

Nor can you assign a subsequent monetary value to an organ, Caplan said. "There's nothing later [you can get] in terms of compensation if you regret your gift," he said.

What's more, no reputable surgeon would perform such a transplant and no court could compel a person to undergo an operation, he said.

NAKED SKIER now internet sensation

A SKIER in VALE COLORADO was left with a bit of shrinkage while riding the SKYLINE EXPRESS LIFT in the VALE BLUE SKY BASIN. Now known as the NAKED SKIER, the 48 year old man was left DANGLING NAKED FROM A SKI LIFT CHAIR after his ski got stuck and jammed the lift. The NAKED SKIER consequently fell off the chair as his pants held on.

Although this situation left the NAKED SKIER cold and exposed to the entire ski hill as well as the internet, the situation could have been much worse. It took rescuers about 15 minutes to release the NAKED SKIER from the clutches of the SKYLINE EXPRESS LIFT in VALE COLORADO.
PICTURES OF THE NAKED SKIER can now be found all over the internet, perhaps the NAKED SKIER is the next Ashley Dupre... then again maybe not.

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NAKED SKIER DANGLES FROM LIFT



In a reenactment of "FREE WILLY"
Rescuers work to FREE THE NAKED SKIER

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Coke Douche, Sodomizing Mallard and Stripper Earning Potential While on the Rag

A researcher who figured out that Coke explodes sperm and scientists who discovered that people will happily eat stale chips if they crunch loudly enough won alternative "Ig Nobel" prizes Thursday.

Other winners included physicists who found out that anything that can tangle, will tangle and a team of biologists who ascertained that dog fleas jump farther than cat fleas.

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The Ig Nobels honor real research, but are meant as a funny alternative to next week's deadly serious Nobel prizes for medicine, chemistry, physics, economics, literature and peace.

Awarded by the editors of the Annals of Improbable Research, a scientific humor magazine, the prizes are based on published research, some intended to be humorous but often not. Usually the "honored" researchers go along with the joke.

Deborah Anderson of Boston University Medical Center and colleagues were awarded the chemistry prize for a 1985 study published in the New England Journal of Medicine that found Coca-Cola kills sperm.

She said she was serious in testing the soft drink because women were using it in a douche as a contraceptive and, later, to try to protect themselves from the AIDS virus.

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"It definitely wouldn't work as a contraceptive because sperm swims so fast," Anderson said. But Coke made with sugar quickly kills sperm, she said, probably because sperm soak it up. "The sperm just kind of explode," she said in a telephone interview.

It kills the AIDS virus too, she said.

The Ig Nobel committee made up a "nutrition prize" to go to Massimiliano Zampini of the University of Trento, Italy and Charles Spence of Britain's Oxford University, who tricked people into thinking they were eating fresh potato chips by playing them loud, crunching sounds when they bit one.

The biology prize goes to a French team that found dog fleas can jump higher than cat fleas, while the medicine prize was awarded to a team at Duke University in North Carolina who showed that high-priced placebos work better than cheap fake medicine.

Dorian Raymer of the Scripps Institution in San Diego and a colleague won the physics prize for demonstrating mathematically why hair or a ball of string will inevitably tangle itself in knots.

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The peace prize was given to the Swiss Federal Ethics Committee on Non-Human Biotechnology for adopting the legal principle that plants have moral standing and dignity. There is a website explaining this: here

A team at The University of Sao Paulo in Brazil won a special archaeology prize for showing how an armadillo can mess up an archaeological dig.

The economics prize went to researchers at the University of New Mexico who learned that a professional lap dancer earns bigger tips when she is most fertile, while David Sims of Cass Business School in London won the literature prize "for his lovingly written study 'You Bastard: A Narrative Exploration of the Experience of Indignation within Organizations'," the committee said.

Past winners include the creator of the plastic pink flamingo, a researcher who recorded a mallard duck sodomizing a dead drake and a doctor who cured hiccups by applying digital rectal massage.

Australian Zoo to Sue Parents of 10 Year old After Hours 'Gator feeder

parents of a 7-year-old boy who broke into an Australian outback zoo and fed a string of small animals to its resident crocodile are likely to be sued after police said the boy was too young to be held responsible.

A turtle, four western blue tongue lizards, two bearded dragons, two thorny devil lizards and a 1.8 meter (5.9ft) adult female Spencer's goanna were fed or led into the jaws of a 3 meter, 200kg (440lb) saltwater crocodile named "Terry." Security camera footage at the Alice Springs Reptile Center showed the smiling youngster also bludgeoning to death a small blue tongue lizard and two more thorny devils during a half-hour of breakfast-time havoc last Wednesday. "The fact a 7-year-old can wreak so much havoc in such a short time, it's unbelievable. In my day he'd get a big boot up the arse," center director Rex Neindorf told Reuters by phone.

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"Police found him, but in the Northern Territory here he can't be accountable if he's under 10 years of age." Neindorf said many of the animals fed to the croc were rare or mature and would be difficult to replace. The boy was unknown at the center and had "clammed up" when questioned by police on what sparked the rampage, he said.

Neindorf said he was now looking at suing the parents of the pint-sized terror, who could easily have been taken by Terry himself as he fed the croc from a small landing at his enclosure. "We'll be looking at suing the parents, who were supposedly in control of him at the time," he said.

EARTH FRIEND GEN - Gives the Public more than they want

Cars were whizzing past one of Ojai's busiest corners when Jennifer Moss decided to do a headstand, clad in only a G-string and flower-shaped pasties.

Why?


"Headstands are good for you!" she said, beaming, as she pulled a yellow smiley-face pillow out of her bicycle's small trailer. With athletic grace, Ojai's "Pastie Lady," a self-described social artist and environmental activist, quickly pulled her legs up to salute her adopted hometown.

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Not that this artsy, liberal-leaning city of 8,000 is all that impressed.

In the year since Moss began pedaling her bicycle down Ojai's main street in barely-there attire, she's been arrested twice and ticketed repeatedly for obstructing traffic. Irate parents have asked the City Council to force Moss to put on more clothes.

Now she may face prosecution for public indecency.

"The issue we're looking at is exposure," said Jim Ellison, Ventura County's chief assistant district attorney. "We've assigned an attorney to do some research."

Ojai's citizens, meanwhile, have divided into pro- and con-Pastie Lady camps, venting their opinions in the local newspaper nearly every week.

"Ojai tolerance is not eternal," local filmmaker Leland Hammerschmitt wrote in a guest editorial in the Ojai Valley News, in which he scolded Moss for her "naked narcissism." "You've had more than your day. Go away. Just stop."

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But Moss, whose social activism appears to revolve around natural-fiber clothing and the healing powers of water, also has ardent defenders. They say "Earth Friend Jen" is not hurting anyone and that naysayers should leave her alone.

"In the South, they actually embrace you if you are eccentric or even a little crazy. . . .," Dusty Fernandez, an Oak View resident, wrote in the paper. "So lighten up people! Enjoy the view or turn the other way."

The petite, raven-haired woman at the center of the tempest takes it all in stride. Moss, 32, said she has grown used to people's strong reactions to her activism.

"Nudity is natural, but a lot of people are uncomfortable with it," she said rapidly. "It's OK for children to play video games where they are killing each other, and it's patriotic to murder people in a war. But women's breasts in public? You better watch out!"

Moss is quick to say that her scant covering remains within the law. She says she always wears pasties and a G-string (made of hemp). She contends that the tickets and arrests are a violation of her constitutional rights.

"They are charging me with putting on an illegal performance or show," she said of her latest legal entanglement. "I stripped my clothes to speak the truth, but I was legally covered."

Moss may face a misdemeanor charge for taking off her clothes, down to pasties and G-string, outside the city's Catholic church on Easter Sunday, as parishioners were leaving morning Mass.

"She took that opportunity to make her statement, and she appeared nude to most people," said Ojai Police Chief Bruce Norris. "We got several calls."

Sheriff's deputies arrested Moss on suspicion of violating a county ordinance that prohibits exposure of the nipples or genital area in a public place, Norris said. Officers also confiscated a small video camera that her companions were using to record the event.

Moss now says that going to the church was "poor judgment on my behalf."

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She chose Easter Mass, she said, because "there are so many bad people who are hurting and destroying the Earth, and many of them are religious people."

Police arrested Moss on a similar charge once before, Norris said, but the district attorney's office decided not to prosecute. Even if prosecutors again fail to move, Norris thinks they will do so at some point. "People make complaints because they find her behavior extremely offensive," he said. "There is a potential to prosecute her eventually for a public nuisance."

The police chief insists that his main concern is safety. Moss is an athletic woman who moves very fast on her bike or on in-line skates down Ojai Avenue, the city's main thoroughfare. Norris said he's worried that Moss might be injured in an accident.

"She's in great shape. I admire her for that," he said. "But I'm afraid something is going to happen to her."

Originally from a small town near Corvallis, Ore., Moss gravitated toward Southern California in her 20s. Her upbringing was too restrictive for her taste, she said, and she wanted to explore her spirituality in a place that would be less judgmental.

She landed first in Venice Beach before making her way to Santa Barbara, holding small jobs along the way. The first time she donned her skimpy bike-wear was in Santa Barbara, where the cops promptly stopped her.

"They were very mean to me," she said. "They treated me like I'm insane."

Moss moved on to Ojai, working for a time as a waitress at a vegan restaurant in Ventura. For most city residents, last year's Fourth of July parade was her public debut. Jaws dropped as she whizzed past startled paradegoers on in-line skates, wearing not all that much more than suntan oil.

Now, several times a week, she pedals down Ojai Avenue on her bike, hauling her trailer full of signs advocating her various causes.

On a recent day, she was greeted by many honks of support and a few whistles.

"We love you, Pastie Lady!" screamed a gaggle of teenage girls in a passing Suburban. But as Moss passed a bus stop, a woman sitting with several children yelled, "You're a nut!"

Earth Friend Jen gave her usual response: "I love you! You don't have to be like that!"

Two middle-aged guys watched her speed past downtown and shook their heads.

"She's got a great body," said one of the men. "But she's crazy as a loon."

"She's a character," said his buddy, "but she's part of Ojai."

For More on GENNIFER MOSS


SPANKADAMONKEY
GENNIFER MOSS NAKED

African Tiger Finds Refuge in Local Church During Hurricane Ike

BOLIVAR PENINSULA, Texas — Many years from now, a small group of Hurricane Ike survivors will probably still be telling the story of how, on the night the storm flattened their island, they took sanctuary in a church - with a lion.

The full-grown lion was from a local zoo, and the owner was trying to drive to safety with the animal when he saw cars and trucks stranded in the rising floodwaters. He knew he and the lion were in trouble.


He headed for the church and was met by a group of residents who helped the lion wade inside, where they locked it in a sanctuary as the storm raged. The water crept up to their waists, and two-by-fours came floating through broken windows. But the lion was as calm as a kitten.


When daylight came, everyone was still alive.


"They worked pretty well together, actually," said the lion's owner, Michael Ray Kujawa. "When you have to swim, the lion doesn't care about eating nobody."

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Amid the destruction in places like Bolivar Peninsula and Galveston, where row upon row of houses were scoured from the landscape, seemingly impossible tales of survival have begun emerge. Whether through faith or fate, luck or resourcefulness, dozens of people who stayed behind made it out alive, and have harrowing stories to prove it.


As of Tuesday, the official death toll from Ike stood at 47. Only 17 were in Texas - and many of those were people killed by fires or generator fumes after the storm had passed. However, authorities held out the possibility that some victims were washed out to sea.


Among those who made it out alive was Kathi Norton, who put on a life jacket as the storm closed in on High Island, on the Bolivar Peninsula. She and her husband, Paul, knew the dangers of staying, and put their important documents, credit cards, money and cell phones into a plastic bag, and held on tight.


All too quickly, the floodwaters rose and the house started to break apart. Through the gaps, they saw refrigerators, lawn mowers and hot tubs floating past. The deck broke away next. Then the roof started to buckle.


"The whole floor was just opened out," he said. Norton grabbed his wife and headed for an outdoor staircase, escaping in time only because a flagpole kept the house from crashing down for a few precious seconds. "I look up, the house is coming on us," he said.

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For hours, they sloshed around in 4-foot waves before finding themselves perched in a tree. They finally made their way onto someone's motor home, which then started to sink. They were able to cling to rafters of a nearby structure and hang on until daybreak.


"We had to grab that staircase and float wherever it took us," the 68-year-old retiree said.


Willis Turner decided to ride it out on his wooden boat next to his house on Crystal Beach, also on Bolivar Peninsula, but it nearly capsized and he was saved by a rope his wife tossed to him. The two held on inside a home that she said "vibrated like a guitar string."


"It was like an atomic bomb going off. Right after the eye passed, whole houses came by us at 30 miles an hour - WHOLE HOUSES! - just floating right past," Turner said. "It was unreal. Unreal."


Turner and his wife awoke the next day to an island they no longer recognized. The first four rows of houses on the beach were washed into the sea. There were no more restaurants, no more gas stations, no more grocery stores. The neighborhood was gone.


In Galveston, Charlene Warner, 52, weathered the storm with her landlord and a neighbor in the apartment above her own.


"It felt like an earthquake - the rumbling and the rocking of the building," she said, smoking outside a shelter in San Antonio. "Everyone was praying."


"It was so terrible. All I could say was, 'Lord, please don't kill me. Forgive me for what I done,"' Warner said, as a tear rolled down her cheek.


After the storm, she and neighbors waited for rescue, but no one came. The water receded, leaving a layer of muck filled with snakes. But with no water, no electricity and a shrinking supply of food, Warner decided to go for help, sliding her way across the goo a block and a half to the fire station.


Firefighters took her and neighbors to a spot where they could get on an evacuation bus. She arrived at a shelter in San Antonio with her purse stuffed full of personal documents and cigarettes, and one spare outfit that she washed and drip-dried on a railing Tuesday.

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"I lost everything. What you see with me is all I have," she said. "I never seen anything like that in my life. I'll never ride out another storm."


Cheryl Stanley said she and her husband, Tom, wanted to evacuate their Galveston apartment before the hurricane hit but couldn't. Their son, Casey, has cerebral palsy, and the three live on the third floor. When they tried to leave, the elevators were turned off, and they couldn't carry Casey down the stairs.


"It was horrible," Cheryl said. "The building was shaking all night."


A few hours into the storm, Casey said he didn't feel safe in the bedroom, so they moved him to the living room. About three hours later, the ceiling in his bedroom collapsed.


"Thank God, we got Casey out of there," his mother said.


After the storm passed, paramedics carried Casey downstairs. And neighbors carried the wheelchair.


At the Baptist church on Bolivar Island where the lion spent the night, Richard Jones, a shrimper, said he wasn't afraid of the beast.


"That little old fella is just as tame as a kitten," Jones said.


After the storm passed, the lion's caretakers fed it pork roast to keep it happy.


National Guardsmen dropping off food and water lined up Tuesday in the choir loft to get a glimpse of the lion, and the soldiers jumped back when the lion looked up from it perch on the altar and snarled.


Jones said he hadn't stepped foot in a church in the 40 years he has lived on this spit of land. And he wasn't ready to call his survival divine intervention.


"I drink beer and chase women, gamble, cuss," Jones said. "You can't call that religion. I'm either too good, the devil won't have me, or I'm so bad the Good Lord won't take me. That's a good toss-up."

International TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY

International Talk Like a Pirate Day is Sept. 19, but don't worry, it's not a federal holiday, yet, so the mail should be running and if you forgot to get your wife a "matey" card, her feelings will probably stay intact.

Talk Like a Pirate Day, TLAPD as it is acronymmed, is a holiday mainly for office annoyances and an excuse for guys to wear eyeliner, but it's quickly turning into a day of big on events (see below) and an excuse to just have fun.

Git' Yer Freek on wit da Pirrrate Gear Matey!!!

The simplest celebration requires you to walk around and say pirate things ("aye, arrr, matey") to your friends and co-workers -- eyeliner optional. More extravagant events include full-blown festivals with canons and live music.


Last year, the day was celebrated at the International Space Station and the White House with a few 'arrrrs" and since the day coincides with the autumn equinox bringing the first sunlight in six months, the holiday is a big hit at the South Pole.

International Talk Like a Pirate Day Events
From library and events to pub crawls, it's a day when everyone, kids and drunks alike, can celebrate in their own special and appropriate way. We've scoured the globe for all the events and highlighted the best 15 here (in no particular order):

Portland, Ore. - Portland Pirate Festival - This is the "Pirate Guys" hometown festival and one of the biggest with two days of live music, grub and grog, kids activities and historical re-enactments complete with canons

Philadelphia, Pa. - Real Pirates at The Franklin - This is where the The Pirate Guys will be this holiday with an appearance at the this Nat Geo traveling exhibit

Tempe, Ariz. - Arizona Corsairs -- Pirate group (and we mean pirate group -- read their mission statement) takes over Tavern on the Mill with a pirate talking contest , a costume contest and general pirate shenanigans

Kissimmee, Fla. -- Old Town Pirate Party - Popular Kissimmee district hosts second annual fest with trivia, contests and classic hot rods cruising, sorry no pirate ships

Papillon, Neb. - Midlands Pirate Festival - Bellevue Berry and Pumpkin Ranch is overrun with pirates and family fun including musical acts, costume contest, freakshows, faeries and hands-on pirate activities like canon handling

Copenhagen - Rock Piraten - Translated as "Rock Priate" this big Danish (not the pastry) nightlife party keeps Copenhagen knee deep in rum, DJs and typical pirate debauchery.

Hesperia, Calif. - Pirates n' Treasure - Pirate boutique celebrates its one year anniversary with a blowout party, a radio remote broadcast, free giveaways and a Jack Sparrow impersonator

Oceanside, Calif. - Oceanside Harbor Days - Annual Oceanside festival gets in the spirit with a Pirate's Cove section that features live music, belly dancers, costume contest and pirate fights

Studio City, Calif. - Studio City Tattoo -- Celebrate exactly like a pirate with discounted pirate tats, live music and free food

Denver, Colo. - Buccaneer Bash - Sunken Bones Society throws its annual fundraiser

Austin, Texas - Opal Devine's Freehouse - 6th Street gets wenched with a sexy costume contest and party

Batesville, Ind. - TLAPD Party - All-ages fun fest at the library with live music from Hogeye Navvy

Angel Fire, N.M. - Experience Snowboards -- Popular shop is throwing a Pirate Oktoberfest with beer, brats and buxom beauties to raise money for Team Angel Fire, a youth ski and snowboard club

Staten Island, N.Y. - Staten Island Zoo -- Pirate adventure includes seafood cooking demonstrations, tours and talks with costumed attendees getting free prizes

Goodyear, Ariz. - Estrella Mountain Park - Kids go on a real treasure hunt to learn about using maps and compasses

St. Louis, Mo. - Arch 106.5 - The whole town will be in the spirit with popular radio station 106.5 broadcasting the whole day in theme.

For a full user-submitted list, including small gatherings, check out the official site.

Why Sept. 19?
"The Pirate Guys" John Baur and Mark Summers, now known as Cap'n Slappy and Ol' Chumbucket, invented the holiday in 1995, but kept it on the down-low until 2002 when they reached out to humor columnist Dave Barry. They cold-e-mailed Barry asking if he would become the official spokesperson. He accepted and with that blessing and subsequent column, the holiday was launched and continues to grow in popularity.

Since the fateful e-mail in 2002, the two inventors have been all over the papers and morning shows and even appeared on an episode of ABC's 'Wife Swap' with Baur's wife, Mad Sally." In fact, it was the birthday of Summer's ex-wife that inspired the September 19 date since he "already knew the date and wasn't really using it for anything anymore."

Whether the day sticks as a legitimate holiday like Halloween or walks the plank of history like National Honesty Day still remains to be seen ... seen through one eye open lest ye remove ye eye patch, matey.

Personally, I think the best way to Cellebrate Talk Like a Pirate day is to rent a boat and go out and Buck an Ear.... or something like that. If you are in the Vancouver British Columbia area check out my favorite Pirate Rental Boat guys at Granville Island Boat Rentals (Also known by their Pirate Name as GIB'r... AAAARGGH) Their website is http://www.boatrentalsvancouver.com/

Svetlana Pankratova The Tallest woman and the Longest Legs in the World

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Meet Svetlana Pankratova, the woman with the world’s longest legs according to the Guinness Book of World’s Records. See her portrait photos, biography and a long-legged video here. Her height is not her greatest asset.

She recently posed for pictures with He Pingping from China who happens to be the world’s smallest man. I do not mean in the pants pocket either. We are talking richter scale short from head to toe, while Svetlana has the longest legs in the world. What a pair.

Speaking of Pingping, she said “I heard he was going to be the shortest man, but I didn’t realize he was going to be that small.”

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Svetlana Pankratova Biography
As a biography, she is from Volgograd Russia and her age is 36 years old. She loves her newfound fame as a babe of the Guinness Book with long legs.

“Well actually it’s great for me to realize that I am the queen of the longest legs. I’m the longest on the planet. It just feels good. Actually I’m proud of it.”

Ms. Pankratova’s height is 6′7″ tall of mostly hot legs but including a torso, neck and head on top. The size of her dangly legs is 4ft 3.9in tall which means that she does not need to stoop when her boytoy is performing from a chair.

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That Russian boyfriend lives with her on the Costa del Sol in Spain. Svetlana is a real estate broker there.

“I don’t mind dating a shorter person,” she says. “My boyfriend is 6′1″ tall.

Australian Stripper Rapes Best Man at Stagg Party

A best man, allegedly raped by a stripper with a sex toy, had stepped in for the groom who "wasn't interested" in his bucks' party's strip show, a court has heard.

A witness told the Melbourne Magistrates Court the alleged victim had been egged on by a cheering crowd of up to 30 men to perform with the hired stripper, Linda Maree Naggs, after the groom sat down after spending less than a minute with her.

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"All the boys were there wanting a show," he said.

Naggs, 39, has been charged with raping the best man who told police he was sexually penetrated with a vibrator during the party on the Mornington Peninsula last September.

The alleged victim, who cannot be identified, had his pants pulled down to his knees and his top off when Naggs was passed a vibrator by a female assistant, the court heard.

One witness said the best man had looked uncomfortable throughout the performance and was forced on to all fours by Naggs who was naked and wearing a sex toy.

"She went behind him and pulsated to push him to the ground," he said.

The witness said he heard the man scream and get to his feet.

"'Why did you do that for ... you didn't have to do that,'" he said the man yelled.

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The court heard the man then pushed Naggs in the chest who retaliated with a right-hook punch but missed and threatened to "come back with my bikie mates".

"She was a little bit hysterical ... she thought she was a boxer," the best man's brother told the court.

He said Naggs had been riding his "very conservative" brother like a dog or a horse before the alleged rape.

"I don't think he could see what was going on. I don't think he knew what was going to happen," the witness said.

The brother denied seeing drugs at the party where two strippers performed and topless waitresses served drinks.

He said the men had been loudly cheering in a "mature way" during Naggs's act that began with her whipping the man next to him in the groin.

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The witness said he could not remember Naggs saying she would call the police or being struck in the head in an upstairs bedroom.

The court heard the best man told his brother in the toilet that he was bleeding after the alleged rape.

The court was closed to the media and public while the alleged victim gave evidence for just under two hours.

Biswaden Mitra, from the Victorian Institute of Forensic Medicine, said the alleged victim had injuries the day after the bucks' party.

But when shown photographs of the sex toy, Dr Mitra said he could not say if it had caused the minor injury.


The committal hearing before magistrate Elizabeth Lambden to determine whether Naggs, of Rosebud West, should stand trial continues.

Monkey Pig Born in China

Villagers were shocked after a monkey-like piglet was born in China.

Curious locals flocked to the home of owner Feng Changlin after news of the piglet spread in Fengzhang village, Xiping township.

“It’s hideous. No one will be willing to buy it, and it scares the family to even look at it!” Feng told Oriental Today.

He says the piglet looks just like a monkey, with two thin lips, a small nose and two big eyes. Its rear legs are also much longer than its forelegs, causing it to jump instead of walk.

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Feng’s wife said the monkey-faced piglet was one of five newborns of a sow which the family had raised for nine years.

“My God, it was so scary. I didn’t known what it was. I was really frightened,” she said.

“But our son likes to play with it, and he stopped us from getting rid of it. He even feeds it milk.”

Neighbours have suggested the couple keep the piglet to see how it looks as it matures.

Honey Dolls sex dolls seem to grab the headlines... go figure

“Dream lover” has taken on a whole new meaning. By 2050, you could be falling for a humanoid.

Thanks to computer programming, robots will be almost indistinguishable from humans — they will have the same muscles, emotions, voices and talents.

Forget that you’re not exactly from the same mold. Sexually speaking, these sexbots will have proven themselves superior to us.

“Love and sex with robots on a grand scale is inevitable,” according to David N.L. Levy, author of Sex with Robots: The Evolution of Human-Robot Relations.

In the age of technology, who can deny that people love their gadgets? Is it a huge leap in logic to think that we will lust after sexbots, artificial skin and all?

Can these amour-inducing androids actually turn us into raging sex maniacs?

An expert on artificial intelligence, Levy certainly thinks so.

“Love with robots will be as normal as love with other humans, while the number of sexual acts and lovemaking positions commonly practiced between humans will be extended, as robots teach us more than is in all of the world's published sex manuals combined,” he writes.
Apparently, these inanimate objects of desire will trump the rest of us when it comes to sexual techniques; they will far exceed human companions when it comes to sexual gratification. (Normally, that would be a really hot thought, but right now I can’t shake visions of The Terminator.)

Among the ways sexbots will show us up under the sheets:

— You will have your very own personal sex tutor.

— You can have sex whenever you want.

— Your sex life will be full of variety and adventure, fueling your libido as never before.

— You will be able to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

— You will never hear the words, “I have a headache.” In other words, you won’t be rejected.

— You could have better sex than you ever thought possible.

It all sounds crazy — inconceivable — until you consider that the Japanese already have a multibillion-dollar robot industry.

One company, Axis, is already producing life-sized Honeydoll sexbots for men, which cost $7,000.

South Korean and Japanese rent-a-sex-doll services have proven themselves successful so far. In the very least, it’s safe to say that there will be a demand for these virtual beings, at least initially.

Still, I’m just not buying Levy’s suggestions that we’ll actually develop an emotional love relationship with these electronic objects.

While Levy claims that a benefit of android sex is that you can be intimate sans the emotional “complications” of a human sexual relationship, he still proposes that we run the risk of falling in love.

Just as we love our pets, motorcycles and partners, we will fall head over heels for our sexy humanoids. Perhaps, then, this toy’s warning label should include: “Caution: Having sex with this product could cause you to fall in love with it.”

Perhaps what is most amusing about Levy’s vision is that he’s way off on how women, in particular, will take these humanoids to heart. His book’s front cover highlights this with its illustration of a bride leaning over to kiss a robot. R2D2 was cute, but come on!

Given Levy’s gender stereotypes around female motivations for sex, love and intimacy, he fantasizes that women will be waiting with their arms wide-open “to feel the robot’s virtual love for them.”

Levy’s rationale: In recent years, hordes of women have taken to battery-powered sexual enhancement products as never before. So robot-sex is just a natural extension of her titillating toy box. Grateful for the immense physical pleasures attained from their robot-induced orgasms, women will be enthralled with their virtual lover’s love-making skills.

Men, on the other hand, will lust after sexbots for purely physical reasons. They may, however, use the sexbots in exploring their feelings on a deeper level. Thank goodness, because if Levy’s crystal ball comes true, the genders are going to have major problems being intimate with fellow humans on a number of levels.

In going from the interpersonal to the sociological impact sexbots will have on us, Levy further imagines a world free of sexually transmitted diseases and prostitution. Who needs sex workers when you have your very own sex slave for pleasure and satisfaction? Forgetting the sheer joy some Johns get from just paying for sex — the power element involved — Levy sees the android as the ultimate sex worker. After all, a sexbot will do a much better job than a prostitute in pretending to be into you.

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Perhaps most striking about Levy’s work is the presumption that the social stigma for buying and using a sexbot will be minimal.

Who of your friends has a blow-up doll that you know of? If you can’t think of any, then I’ve made my point.

In making this assumption, Levy completely discounts the fact that many people will have trouble getting past the idea that they’re having sex with an android and how society will judge.

He thinks sexbots will be like iPods — everyone will have to have one, and all of us will be having sex galore. In all fairness, he may not be too far off, given our love for our “crackberries.”

While fascinating, I just don’t see Levy’s predictions coming true, at least not on a large scale. Call me old-fashioned, but I can’t imagine anything better than sharing absolutely amazing sex with another human being. Call me a cynic, but I think people will eventually get bored with their sexbots.

Before you go out buying one of these Honey Dolls, here is a picture of one from their website. Her name is Maria

Oregon "Man" pregnant with Baby Girl

I know this sounds like something from the National Enquirer, except this "Man" is not really a man.

US man Thomas Beatie and his wife were expecting their first child in July, according to US news service TransWorldNews.

Beatie, from the state of Oregon, was born a woman but had a sex change in which he had chest reconstruction and testosterone therapy, but no change to his reproductive organs, TransWorldNews said.

He stopped taking testosterone injections to get pregnant, Beatie reportedly wrote in an article for The Advocate, a magazine for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender readers.

Doctors had refused to treat Beatie, including one that sent him to "the clinic's psychologist to see if we were fit to bring a child into this world and consulted with the ethics board of his hospital" , the article said.

Beatie admitted his situation "sparks legal, political and social unknowns", TransWorldNews said.

For a less politically correct view of this topic, visit http://shitfourbrains.blogspot.com

Free Boob Job.. OK, this was just too interesting to pass up

For those women whose cups do not runneth over, there is a Web site that promises to pay for a new pair, free of charge.

Women who sign up on MyFreeImplants.com earn the money for their breast augmentation surgery through donations from men who peruse their MySpace-like profiles.

"I figured why not," said Lindsay, a 22-year-old from Columbus, Ohio. "I honestly didn't think it was real at first. It took me a good day of really being on the site and researching it before I really was like 'OK, I'm going to make this work for me.' It totally seems too good to be true, but it works."

Jason Grunstra, a Web developer in Los Angeles, founded the site in July 2005 after brainstorming the idea during a bachelor party in Las Vegas. A small-breasted friend was the site's test subject.

"She agreed to try it out, just to see what would happen, and sure enough, in about 4 1/2 months, she raised about $5,000," Grunstra said.

"So at that point I decided, 'Well if it works for one, let's bring it to a wider audience and expand it and see if it works for many ladies, and sure enough it did."

MyFreeImplants.com operates much like a social-networking site. Women 18 and over can sign up for free and create a profile with photos and the type of implant they desire: silicone or saline. Men — they're called "benefactors" — can also sign up for free, but then they must purchase credits, which can be used to send messages to the women.

For each message a woman receives, she gets a dollar toward her new chest.

Lindsay, who declined to give her last name, signed up in February 2007, and by June she had the $4,000 she needed to transform from a 34A to a 34D-DD. She is one of 103 women who have had new implants courtesy of the site's benefactors.

Jessica Levine, a 27-year-old marketer from Tampa, Fla., got her new silicone breasts on Nov. 13, 2007 after raising $7,500 online.

"It's free, but you do have to put a lot of time and energy into the Web site — contacting friends, writing the people on the site," she said.

Grunstra estimates that thousands of women have signed up for the site and tens of thousands of men have contributed.

"The guys and girls love it," Grunstra said. "Occasionally, we'll get a feminist here or there that is outraged by the idea and can't believe that sex sells. We tell her to wake up and join reality. It's 2008."

Grunstra said MyFreeImplants.com raised more than a million dollars toward surgeries in 2007, and he expects that figure to double in 2008.

He said the Web site takes a percentage of the money raised by the sale of credits to run its operations; it also earns money from advertisers. Grunstra said he doesn't earn money from the endeavor.

And the site pays surgeons directly for the procedures.

"We pay the doctors directly to make sure that the surgery actually happens and the girls don't go on some shopping spree," he said.

At first the site offered to pay for other surgeries, but they found men weren't interested in paying for anything but breasts.

"Guys aren't really interested in paying for liposuction or a nose job," Grunstra said, adding "it's kind of like you're creating the perfect woman in your eyes and at the same time you're making pretty good friends."

Dr. Theodore Diktaban, a board-certified plastic surgeon in New York, said the site seems like a novelty.

"It's an interesting twist," Diktaban said. "It's not the way I think most people would do it."

Diktaban said there are other ways to finance breast augmentation surgery, including a service called CareCredit, which offers loans for procedures not covered by medical insurance.

Finding a doctor to perform the surgery should start by word of mouth, he said.

"The best way to go is speak to friends of yours that have had it done. Are they happy? And who was the doctor that did that," Diktaban said. "You want to get a board certified plastic surgeon. You can always go to the American Society of Plastic Surgery and get a list of doctors in your area."

Though it's been months since Levine has had the surgery to make her chest a 36D, she still chats online with the benefactors who helped her get her new breasts.

"We keep in touch," she said, adding they "talk about things that have nothing to do with implants."